#42 Loving Relationships

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Music courtesy of Irene Boggs http://affirmajams.com/

Welcome to the Dream Big & Bloom podcast for creating a life you absolutely love.

Hi! I’m Mardi Lynn, certified DreamBuilder Coach and author of Living Happy, Rich and Free After 60, the guidebook and scorecard for achieving your dreams and I help ladies create lives they absolutely love.   

The DreamBuilder Program that I teach is a proven, reliable system for overcoming any challenge and achieving any dream no matter how big it seems.

This podcast will introduce you to the powerful principles and practices of the DreamBuilder system and show you the mindsets that are growing or slowing your progress. 

This week we’re talking about Mindset #Eight – in the book — Loving Relationships 

You can get a copy of the book at  https://dreambigandbloom.com/guidebook/

There are four domains of life that we focus on in the DreamBuilder Program and Loving Relationships is the second one — after Vibrant Health which we talked about in episode #40. The other two are Meaningful Work and Time and Money Freedom.

“Relationships” is a broad category because it includes your primary intimate relationship; relationships with other family members, like parents, grown children, and grandchildren; friendships; and relationships with co-workers and/or employees. You might be perfectly happy with the relationships in some areas in your life, and longing for improvement in other areas.

Scientifically speaking, we are hardwired to be in relationships and to cooperate with each other.  In primitive societies, people lived in tribes and supported each other. To be shunned would be a serious threat to one’s physical survival. 

However, as DreamBuilders, we are not settling for mere survival, we are going for loving relationships — even passionate intimate relationships.

And, this may surprise you, but it’s possible to have all your relationships be loving; even with people you don’t agree with; even with people who have hurt you.  Granted this is a more advanced level of understanding but you can totally live this way.  Imagine a world in which everyone lived this way — with love and understanding toward everyone even when they disagree about important things!  We could have world peace and harmony.

Some of you are thinking this is too idealistic and yes it is idealistic And I believe it is possible.  Remember, I’m all about DreamBuilding and I teach a system that works. You just have to work it in order to achieve what you most long for.  And don’t we all long to have more unconditional love in our lives and in the world?

To be clear, unconditional love does not involve being a doormat or compromising your values and goals.  For me, “unconditional love” is taking the perspective that we all want the same things but may not know how to achieve them.  Everyone is doing the best they know how given their unique history, belief systems and level of skill.  

With this perspective, we will feel compassion for everyone and be able to  maintain our own peace and joy.  We can release and let go of any expectations we have for others to become more like us and get on with living lives we love.  

Lack of Communication Skills

I believe that most conflicts in relationships are the result of ignorance about effective ways to communicate.  Most of us were never taught how to communicate effectively. In fact, it’s a skill that is obviously sorely lacking in our society in fact, in the whole world.

The good news is that there are effective skills that can be learned.  Over the years, I’ve read so many books on “the art of negotiation,” effective communication in marriages, and child rearing. It’s amazing to me that people haven’t learned to communicate better by now.  

My grown children have found wonderful online courses by experts to help them with child rearing and the companies they work for provide trainings about personality types, effective communication and working harmoniously in teams so maybe things will get better with time. It depends on how many people are willing to change. The information is available.  It’s a matter of practicing new skills.

Anyway, I’m happy to be able to refer my coaching clients to many excellent resources for improving their communication and relationships — in addition to the powerful DreamBuilder principles and practices.

One of my favorites resources for effective communication is Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg  

The part of his work that really helped me was to know how using I messages opens the heart of another person because it’s our nature to be loving and helpful.  If we say I need, or I would like, or I feel, the other person naturally wants to help.  As opposed to saying “you” which almost always sounds like an accusation.  This is such a simple shift and it can make a huge difference right away!

Back in 2000, when my daughter was in middle school, she attended a non-violent communication workshop at The Center for Spiritual Living and she enjoyed it so much that she convinced her school to invite the facilitator to do a workshop at the school.

Dr. Rosenberg passed in 2015 and the The Center for Non-violent Communication is carrying on his work. There are many certified facilitators who teach workshops. I’ll put links on the blog post for this episode #42

Disappointment and A Need to control others 

Another cause of friction in relationships is our expectations.  Even with excellent communication, people are not always going to behave the way we would like. This is a matter of letting go. It’s a choice. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

That may sound daunting at first, but as you understand your power to create whatever you desire (Mindset #1) and you increase your sense of deserving and abundance (Mindset #3), you won’t feel the need to manipulate others in order to get what you want. You will realize that you can have what you desire without controlling others.  

You will be focused on your vision, taking baby steps and “living as if it has already manifested” and you won’t have time or interest in arguing with people about anything. You don’t need their permission and you don’t need them to agree with you.  

You will be able to “live and let live.” And you will find other relationships that nurture and support you.  (Perhaps you will join our supportive DreamBuilder Community)

Rekindle Your Marriage

Some of you may feel like your marriage has become stale at this point in life, and you’re longing to get the spark back. It’s totally do-able.  Many women give up and just settle because they can’t see how it can happen.  

I’ve done a lot of reading and learning in this area and I can assure you that there are great resources available for improving intimate relationships.  You just need to be motivated and willing to learn, change and grow.  

I love to share my favorite resources and I encourage my coaching clients to use the ones that address their needs.  I love answering their questions and seeing them follow through because, as I always say, education without action is merely entertainment.  I’m all about seeing my ladies get results.

Here are some books I recommend.  Bear in mind that information is not enough. We have to do the work and make the changes. That’s why coaching is so important. You will most likely need encouragement and accountability.

The Relationship Cure – John Gottman 

Gottman and his research team created the Love Lab – an apartment where couples volunteer to live for several days and be observed.  In addition to being observed by cameras, the subjects wore mics and blood pressure monitors, and underwent blood tests to reveal hormone levels. Gottman was able to predict with 94% accuracy, which couple would get divorced and to identify which factors most contributed.  

Eight Dates – John Gottman  

A fun, ingenious program of eight life-changing conversations in a date-night setting — on essential topics such as money, sex, and trust.

Getting The Love You Want – Harville Hendricks  

The Hendricks discovered on their honeymoon that they could not get along at all. They  were able to transform their relationship to be deeply loving and fulfilling. They figured out that people unconsciously choose a partner that will push their buttons and that provides a golden opportunity to heal the wounds from our childhood. It’s called Imago therapy and it’s really interesting. They give workshops and have trained many Therapists to use their methods. 

The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman  

You have probably heard of The Five Love Languages because it’s very popular and very easy to understand and implement.  The idea is that people have different ways they like to be loved and acknowledged and so “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, may not be the best approach.” You may like gifts or acts of service and your loved one might prefer words of affirmation or quality time.

The Honeymoon Effect – Bruce Lipton  

Lipton explains how hormones affect our feelings, and how our thoughts affect our hormones. Our feelings are created by our thoughts (sound familiar) and we can use our thoughts to recreate that euphoric honeymoon feeling throughout our relationships. 

Breaking Up

Some women in our age group may long to end a relationship and move on.  Clarity is the operative word here. You want to be sure you are moving on for the right reasons and not because of fear.  And you will need to have faith that there is a more suitable relationship available for you so you won’t get stuck or settle for less than you desire. That is Mindset #1, Your Power.

Breaking up can be challenging but it can also be a source of great personal transformation.  Remember, the greatest gift of DreamBuilding is who you become in the process.

A really great resource for managing the dissolution of a relationship with love and respect is  

Conscious uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas. She and her husband wanted to have a harmonious divorce and friendly ongoing relationship because they had a daughter.  She developed a very unique and beautiful approach.

A New Primary Relationship

Some of you have become divorced or have been widowed and are longing for an intimate, passionate, fulfilling relationship with a life partner. It might seem like an impossible goal but trust me, you can totally have it. When you’re coming up with your vision statement, put “the how” aside for the time being so you can get clear about what you would love. 

There are lots of resources available and the perfect tools will show up after you get clarity and make the commitment to take action.  That’s the way The Universe works.

I personally have used online dating apps to find relationships.  I read books and took several online courses on how to date successfully and I’m happy to share what I learned. 

Online dating is not required, but it’s a tool that you might want to consider.  You might need to work on managing fear (Mindset #4) in order to be open to learning new things but as a DreamBuilder you are going to be doing  that anyway and this will provide great opportunities to practice. 

Here are some of my favorite resources: 

Lies at the Altar – Robin Smith

Robin explains how we get into relationships without being aware of the truth about our values and desires and those of the other person. The book has a list of over a hundred questions to discuss with a potential mate to evaluate your compatibility.  She also has some beautiful check-in rituals for keeping a relationship on track for the long-run.

Date or Soul Mate?: How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less by Neil Clark Warren

Dr. Warren is the founder of the e-Harmony dating site and is a great resource for those of us who haven’t dated in a bazillion years.

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren 

I don’t think I’ve read this one but I will soon.  I love his approach to dating.

Finding the Love Of Your Life by Neil Clark Warren

My sister gave me an audio tape course for Christmas one year (after my second divorce) and it was really helpful.

Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Katherine used the Law of Attraction to manifest her husband and the book explains how she did it.  

You certainly don’t have to read all these books, I’m just sharing these to assure you that there are answers available so you will feel free to create a powerful vision statement and not worry about the “how.”  

Podcast episode #7 (part two of my three-part workshop) will walk you through the process of creating your vision statement.  Or if you’re eager to get started with coaching and a community of like minded ladies, go to https://dreambigandbloom.com/get-started/ and book a complementary strategy session.  I will help you craft your vision statement and calibrate it for maximum power. 

Relationships with Grown Children

Some of you may be having challenges in your relationships with your grown children and be longing for improved communication and closeness.  

I can think of three reasons why you might have issues with them and there may be more.  Let me know in the comments if you think of others.

#1 is the rapid changes in our society. We need to be willing to learn new things in order to keep up and be able to understand our grown children’s lives.

#2 is issues with our children as a result of our parenting. There may be wounds from mistakes we made.  In this case we need to extend forgiveness to ourselves.

Did you know how to raise children when you became a parent? Did you study how to do it, seek advice from experts or did you rely on the ways your parents raised you? Most of us didn’t have adequate preparation or models.

I read tons of books when I was raising my children and my grown children use google to find expert answers to questions. They have even paid for online courses on how to get a baby to sleep and how to manage toddler tantrums. (I found the information very interesting also, even though I don’t agree with all of it.) 

In any case, the way I look at it is that I had the opportunity to do it my way and now it’s their turn.  It’s time to “Live and let live!”

If you have regrets about how you raised your children, you can use the DreamBuilder tools for forgiveness and shifting your perception, to forgive yourself. You can change your perspective on your history.  And there are even ways to heal difficult relationships.  Everything is possible and the solutions will show up when you decide to change and heal.  Don’t let anything prevent you from moving forward and being happy!

#3 is an age-old issue…we don’t think we are old, and our children think they are old enough for everything.  The solution is to allow them their space to live their lives.  To share our wisdom when asked, and only when asked, and to lead by our example. Living your best life will earn their respect and may even increase the likelihood of them seeking your advice.            

Friendships

Some people tend to become isolated as they grow older.  Perhaps you are longing to make new friends and have a more active and fulfilling social life. If you’ve been listening to this podcast for any period of time, you know what to do.

Make the decision to grow and write up a vision statement for the relationships and activities you would love. You will be guided to inspired action.  As you follow through by taking baby steps every day, you will get results.  Once you start seeing results you will be so enthusiastic and energized about your new found power that the whole process will become an exciting, fulfilling adventure!

If you have other issues with relationships and questions about solutions, let me know in the comments a https://dreambigandbloom.com/40-loving-relationships and I’ll be happy to answer you.

As you practice embrace these powerful principles, change your thinking, and do the practices, you advance through the four stages of mindset #8 for Loving Relationships.

In Stage One, you are longing for more fulfilling, intimate, loving relationships, and you are ready to do something about it. You are tired of being frustrated and unhappy. 

In Stage Two, you are aware that you need to make some changes in order to have the fulfilling, intimate, loving relationships you desire. You have tried some things but haven’t experienced much success. 

In Stage Three, you have a clear written vision for the fulfilling, intimate, loving relationships you desire. You read it, visualize it accomplished, and take action steps daily, and you’re experiencing some results.

In Stage Four, you have all the fulfilling, intimate, loving relationships you desire. 

We each have unique personalities and desires and that will affect the number and kind of relationships we prefer. At the same time, it’s important to be sure that we aren’t limiting ourselves due to a history of past hurts or disappointments.

That’s the reason we spend two whole weeks of 12 week DreamBuilder the program on forgiveness – to clear up those issues so you can be clear on what you would truly love and allow yourself to believe that you can have it.  

This is where having a coach becomes so important.  Sometimes it’s difficult to recognize when you are settling instead of going for what you truly want. In many cases we have spent many years talking ourselves out of things because we bought into what our friends and family thought we could do, or what the economy or the news indicated we could do.  Settling for less has become a habit and such an automatic reaction that it might be hard to notice sometimes and that’s where coaching can be so valuable.

You can’t see the picture when you are inside the frame.  You need someone who can give you a heads up if you are settling for less than you desire because of past experiences and beliefs.

The keyword here is “desire.” Everyone is different. Some of us are introverts, and some are extroverts. We will “desire” different types and numbers of relationships. You may truly prefer to be single. 

It’s important to be honest with yourself and perfectly clear about what you truly desire. What makes you feel happy, rich, and free – -happy with your relationships, rich in love, and free to be your authentic, amazing self?  There is no one size fits all and whatever your dream is, is right for you. So dream big and bloom!

Your Life Work this week 

Now, what action are you going to take as a result of listening to this podcast?  Let me know in the comments at dreambigandbloom.com/42-loving-relationships

Now as you go, remember…

  • You are capable of far more than you know 
  • You were created to have an amazing and fulfilling life. It’s your birthright.
  • You DON’T HAVE TO SETTLE for just “good enough”
  • You are more powerful than any circumstance, situation or condition
  • You absolutely can create the life of your dreams.

Dream big, follow your heart and live with all the joy, purpose, prosperity and fulfillment you deserve.

Much love to you,

Mardi

Here are the steps for taking your life to the next level.

1. Get the book

If you haven’t already, be sure to get a free copy of my book, Living Happy, Rich and Free After 60, The guidebook and scorecard for achieving your dreams. https://dreambigandbloom.com/guidebook/

2. Listen to podcast episodes #30 to #39

Listen at your own pace to this series where you’ll learn the foundational principles and Practices of DreamBuilding.  https://dreambigandbloom.com/category/podcast/

3. Be a guest on the Podcast

This is a great way to get a feel for the process in a friendly environment. Coaching women just like you, to use the DreamBuilder principles and practices to overcome any challenge and achieve any dream is one of my favorite things to do. To be a guest just visit DreamBigandBloom.com/guest

4. Join the Dream Builder Program

Studies have shown that when education is combined with coaching, individuals increase their productivity by an average of 86%.That’s why top athletes, celebrities and successful business leaders hire coaches. To make this difference in your life, join the 12-week DreamBuilder Program and get in-depth personalized support applying these powerful principles and practices

To get started visit https://dreambigandbloom.com/get-started


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